My own underpants? Well I felt so proud! I jumped up and run into, and out of, our little half-room house. And, while standin' on the broken concrete block that passed for our back porch, I yelled real loud, "Momma! Daddy's gonna get me some underpants for my birthday!" Momma turned around real slow out in the backyard, looked at me kinda' strange and shook her head. I walked out back.

The view out the back of the Wormgears' half-room house in Wormhaven, Kansas. The pile of old tires next to the fence often provided a fun play area for Verna and her brother Cleetus, while spawning a large number of animals some would call "vermin," but the Wormgears often referred to as "dinner." Note, in the middle of the tires, a lone plant grows -- with a single leaf, this was Spot Wormgear's favorite retreat, her "garden." The large "factory" in the background is actually the Wormhaven rendering plant. The great, billowing clouds of greasy smoke were a regular part of the skyline in Wormhaven. Verna often said, "if you closed your eyes, held your nose and tried real hard, you could almost imagine the smell was something edible!" The key word here is "almost." The tall building with the radio tower on top behind the rendering plant is the home of KHVN, Wormhaven's number one -- and only -- radio station. This is the place where Verna first discovered her abilities to entertain...and handle a dust mop.

"What's the matter Mom?" I asked. Momma had been through a lot in her 28 years of marriage to Pop. They say when Spot and Phido Wormgear tied the knot, it was the saddest day of the year for the Longschnoz family, (my mom's maiden name). My Granddaddy on my mom's side was the famous industrialist, Werner Longschnoz, a Bavarian imigrant who came to this country to build a cap snaffler factory. After he settled in Wormhaven, Grampy Werner became interested in worm ranching and built some of the world's finest worm ranch equipment ... including underground electrified fencing, worm de-gooifiers and a special little tattooing device known as "The Wormwriter."

Unfortunately, my dad's family, the Wormgears, had been suspected of being a major part of the somewhat organized crime that had plagued the area for years. In fact, my Grandad Wormgear had been accused of causing the big worm stampede (also known as a "wormpede" of '08. They say Granddad, in an effort to collect insurance money on his failing tin can restoration business, fired that shot that caused a herd of 45 million worms to run wild -- or to be more accurate, they crawed at a slightly faster pace than usual...destroyin' everything in their path! -- Or, to be more accurate, they didn't actually have much effect on anything. But, the townsfolk never forgave Grandad Wormgear. He lived the rest of his days wearing a badge of dishonor.

Well anyway, when Spot married Phido, the Longschnoz's disowned her. Daddy tried his best to make a living as a wormherder, but as I said before the business dried up ... just about the time that people discovered that you could use rubber worms to fish with ... our livelihood went in to toilet. So, after me and Cleetus come along, Mom and Dad had to do just about anything they could to make ends meet. I guess it was quite a come-down for a woman like my mom, once the proud and stately Spot Longschnoz, to be an outcast. And, she took it hard when the only way she could earn money was to grow whiskers and underarm hair and work in the carnival. I guess any woman would feel a little bad about that.